This must have been the most random blog I’ve posted till date. Sitting in a park, looking at Atharv playing with the other kids, casually going thru my phone, suddenly I come across the WordPress app and decide to post my thoughts.

I have never been much of a speaker, for I had little control over my emotions when it came to matters that matter to me, and small talk is not easy at all. Maybe that is the reason, I rarely made any “By the way” friends.

It is difficult for an introvert, there are times when I want to butt in the conversation, but I just can’t open my mouth. I thought marriage would change the things, but it did not. After 12 years of marriage, I am still socially awkward.

These days are very confusing for me.. I am almost 40, still clueless about my life, there’s no design, no purpose and lots of unanswered questions.

I finding a purpose makes all the difference, we all have duties towards our families. But is that all we have? Responsibilities? What about things that we really really want to do for ourselves?

I have reached a stage where I don’t know what would make me really happy.. After I lost my Baba, I don’t think I experienced that pure joy, happiness which really really added value to my life.

Of course, there are moments when Atharv draws something beautiful, or says something meaningful or even laughs loudly at something, I feel happy.. But it doesn’t stay for long..

When I have some materialsistic needs, and they are fulfilled, the happiness vanishes within a short span of time and I ask myself, am I really greedy or plain ungrateful for the things I have?

I sometimes wish I too was like many other women who feel very happy when husband buys silk sarees and gold jewellery for each occasion.. But  I was never very fond of those things. Are we all forever craving for the things which are difficult to get or its just me? At this stage of my life, I crave for family  vacations and peace of mind, all other things seem inconsequential to me.

If happiness lies within, then why do I get affected by the others? Just trying to peep within and find some answers.. Chao..

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movies mania

I love watching movies in theater.  the whole experience is awesome. Large screen, where you can fully concentrate without anyone disturbing you every 10 minutes or irritating advertisements popping on the screen or your thoughts going back to next day’s breakfast menu ..its amazing. I totally get lost into the movie unless its boring. I have watched a few movies just for the sake of watching and having caramel popcorn..but those were really few mistakes of my life. My parents took me to movies even when I was a baby and they say I never disturbed them.

this craze for movies got accentuated in my teenage days.. that was the age when movies like Dil or Maine Pyaar Kiya where whole world is against the lovers and they still manage to prove their love for each other and finally get together.. that sort of movies..internet was not heard of then and we did not have TV at home so my craze multiplied and I dug into Filmfare religiously as though my life depended on that Gossip. Anyway, things changed, I mellowed down , we got a TV and cable connection at home once I passed my HSC and by that time I started developing taste for good cinema. I still enjoyed movies like Hadd Kar Di Aapne or Andaaz Apna Apna ( which is a cult classic) but I also liked movies which made me think, get serious.

After I my marriage, we lived quite near to Cauvery Cinema in Bangalore, and every now and then we made impromptu plans and watched many movies there. Once I moved from R.T. Nagar and after Atharv was born, I totally lost connection with movies and stuff.  From some one who sung more than talked, I hardly had time or inclination for movies and music.

And now, in 2016 I discovered my love for movies again. Daily Soaps are unbearable and I need total silence when I watch something , hence Hotstar, Voot and Airtel Movies came into the picture and I watched many wonderful movies online. Dum lagake haisha, Aligargh , Massan, Piku and many more movies worth watching.. Reading has taken a backseat which is not good, but I am happy to have found good cinema at my fingertips.

Cinema today is far different from Blockbusters in 80’s and 90’s . It might be due to changing mindsets, entertainment isn’t restricted to TV and Theater.. you have many more options.. and when you have so many things to choose from, and cinema is one of the options. If I have to spend 3 hours, it needs to be good.

At the same time, I feel things that we used to do earlier as a family, have reduced in numbers. like, watching some movie on Saturday night by renting a DVD. Even my mom likes to watch whatever she wants on youtube.on one hand we want to have our own space which is growing bigger and bigger , and on the other hand we want to tell and know about everything the other person is wearing, eating or thinking and the places he visited thru social media.

I don’t really remember the last time we sat down together as a family and watched something on TV/ Laptop and laughed loudly. and the next generation will not know what is it to laugh with your parents and not at them.

Anyway, I am again going philosophical, and this is supposed to about CINEMA.

Oh yes, good cinema makes me philosophical and happy. There is some yerning and some peace. Good cinema gives some kind of creative satisfaction ( I know, I am just the audience , and even then I feel like an achiever when I watch some good cinema) and it enriches you. Bad cinema makes you angry at yourself for choosing something bad, wasting your time and all those people who spent crores of rupees, hundreds of hours on making something that bad..

That’s all for now.. I can go and on, but then good cinema need cuts at the right places and same goes for life..one has to know where to stop..so BYE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a wonderful song in Silsila – “yeh kahaan aa gaye hum, run hi saath saath chalte.” I don’t know if many 90’s kids know this song, but l assume ate 70’s (now you know my age 😦 and early 80’s kids who love Bollywood music must be knowing this song very well.. Amithabh Bachhan’s baritone , Shiv-Hari’s melodious music and the Lata Mangeshkar’s voice..it can not get better than this..its pure magic! Yeah, so coming back to the point, in that song, the hero says ” tum hoti toh aisa hota..tum is baat pe kitni hairaan hoti, tum us baat pe kitna hansti….” that is,  he is wondering, how it would have been if the heroin was around, how she would have reacted and all that..

I suddenly wondered if all of us wonder about the things that might have happened in life only if it was some other place, or some other person, or some other time may be..

when I look back, I have many regrets..the biggest remains is that , I did not hug Baba, when he left for Bombay on 6th July 2013.. he always hugged me but that day, he asked me take Atharv inside as he was worried that Atharv ,might start crying , so when they left for Bombay I was inside the kitchen, trying to divert his mind and I could never see Baba again..

I have some other regrets too..I have come across many mean people in my life, and I draw a shell around myself when I am forced to deal with them. At times I just let them be and move on, but sometimes, I feel I should have told them upfront that it’s not done. I mean its ok if you are not in everyone’s good books, but its not to let others treat you like a piece of furniture. .I regret not standing up for myself when I knew I was completely right, I was too afraid that I might offend someone.. but to be very frank, sometimes its not good to be short sighted.. one can avoid confrontation but it leads to more and more frustration and if you ignore a simple scratch it leads to septic..and in many cases amputation. So take a stand when you are right.. compromise is not bad, but think if you would be able to live with that compromise forever. if it doesn’t bother you, then perhaps its better to let go.. if not, then deal with it right now.. don’t leave it for tomorrow.

Another regret, amongst many is, I did not pursue music.. I wanted to, but it never happened. I don’t crave for fame or money that I might have come my way if I was lucky enough, it was the satisfaction of creating something that might touch many souls.

When Atharv grows up, I am going to tell him that  even the most successful person will have a list of regrets , but try to keep that list small.. it can be anything.. relationship, money , education, career, passion anything at all..but right now is the correct time.. wondering about things when you can’t change a thing about your past is just pitiful ..the irony of the life is we value those things which are not in our control or  after we have already lost them..

this is me. I don’t know how to stop my mind wondering from one thing to another just so quickly 😐

 

 

 

 

 

 

Freedom :)

Have you ever felt weighed down by certain thought or way of thinking? I did..  for many years I lived with that confusion and internal war. I can’t say if I have actually won the war,  but at least I have moved on to a less confusing space.

GOD. As a hindu child,  I think I was taught to pray,  do namaskara much before I started speaking, and I started speaking at the age of 16 months..

My nap time was also story telling time,  and Amma,  my mom,   came up with many short stories from hindu mythology. Ganapati,  Hanumaan,  Raama Seeta Laxmana they all became my super heros. It was much before TV could enter our lives and living rooms.  The interesting part was,  my mom had little or no faith in God even though she came from an orthodox brahmin family.

She did not question her elders and did everything that she was told to,  but that was that.. It was a ritual,  take bath,  pray,  light a lamp in front of the God.

As kids,  we did pray after taking bath, we learnt it watching our parents.  My dad,  however was not religious,  but had faith in God.. When Baba prayed,  he gave his 100% to it.. But again,  he wasn’t ritualistic. He didn’t believe in too many do’s and don’ts..Infact, he was rather unconventional,  every day in his office,  he would pray and keep marie biscuits as offering (naivyedya).  He treated God like friend rather than treating like somebody sitting far away and writing your fate..

We didn’t celebrate most festivals,  just the major one’s like diwali, dasara and Ganesh Chaturthi.  Baba was against vata – savitri and such festivals where only wife is supposed to fast and pray for her husbands’ long life,  for him it never made sense.

As a teenager was more confused than ever and my relationship with God and religion was forever changing.  Sometimes I would pay for hours and sometimes, hardly a minute.

After I got married,  things drastically changed as my husband is from a very conservative,  madhwa brahmin family,  who had strong belief in religion,  rituals and everything related.. He belived in all things that I hardly believed  in.  He had faith in following Grahana( eclipse) rituals,  and I have never ever been forced or come across those rituals in my home.

Now that I am a mom,  I think my son is certainly going to get influenced with our relationship with God,  the we pray or don’t.

In 2014 July,  I lost Baba, my father, to a massive cardiac arrest.. A month prior to that Prasad lost his Dad and I witnessed the amount of confusion caused at his place due to different versions of every ritual.  Prasad’s family consulted many priests and each gave a different version of how a ritual is to be followed. To attain maximum purity,  they had to fast,  sleep on a mat,  abstain from most comforts,  had to spend time in prayers,  bathe in cold water,  shave their heads completely,  were not allowed to touch anyone,  visit temples or public places.. The list goes on.

It made me think that to a grieving person,  what’s more important? Someone who can hug him and comfort him,  take him out of the surrounding full of grief and try to divert his mind.. Or all these rituals which probably made sense then,  when people were diagnosed of cancer or TB too late and died.. Then the people in that family were Isolated just to avoid spreading of the infection / disease.

I am sure they had some reasons,  but are those reasons still relevant?

When I lost Baba so unexpectedly,  I was very angry with God.. It was totally unfair,  Baba was making such big difference in the life of  his students,  he was into developing a new technology which would have helped lakhs and crores of people,  he inspired and helped his colleagues to look beyond their salary hike and degrees.. He was much needed, loved, respected by all those who knew him..

now, I am in a phase that I don’t know if there is a God, and even if there is one,  I doubt if he cares enough about me. What is the ultimate power? destiny or God? I have heard many times that praying to God can change the destiny , but I have a logic..I know it might sound a twisted one, but I feel if I am DESTINED to pray to GOD I will..I know its too complicated. But I don’t believe in organised religion any more..makes no sense to me, coz it leaves very little place for improvisation and improvement. The main things that bothers me is that independent thought is curbed, you are not I allowed to arrive at your own conclusion.

This Ganesh Chaturthi, Atharv received a Ganesh Idol from his school, he was very much attached to it.. He was very enthusiastic about the whole thing, joined his Dad for doing Pooja and aarti every eve, and was very unhappy about Visarjan . We had to convince his that if you let Ganapati Bappa will be back next year, if you let him go back to his momma and finally he agreed. After Visarjan we poured the water into the coconut tree in our compound.. Atharv kept asking about his Bappa.. Next afternoon, He asked his Ajji, if he can take some soil of the coconut tree and pray to it? She said, why not, you can make a small Ganapati and keep it in Devara Mane..he thought over and said, Why does that soil need a shape? is it not ok that I keep it in a box and pray?My mom was speechless..

so, to me God can be anything..your parents , your child.. a pen or anything that makes you feel positive. you have to find your own way to connect to your God..and only you know the best way to connect your God.. It can be thru prayers or temple visits, It can be thru fasting or following certain rituals, it can be thru laughing loudly with family friends or it can be thru cooking something delicious for your loved ones..it can be thru playing with your pet or thru reading a book which gives you immense happiness..just remember that its your personal equation and does not apply to everyone..dont expect others to follow the same path..afterall we all have only ourselves to answer..

I want Atharv to have that freedom to find his own path..Anything that brings positivity into his life is his God..

 

 

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Trying to blog again.. Why did I stop doing something that have me immense pleasure and satisfaction? I don’t know.. Of course,  priorities have drastically changed,  but I have to write coz I always have a script running in my head. These days,  I am addicted to you tube.. I watch vlogs, makeup /hairstyle tutorials(very unlikely of me), cooking and comedy but it’s taking a toll on my eyesight and I feel something is still missing. Are we all so media dependent? But writing gives me some kind of detoxifies feeling,  its kind of soul searching and really a conversation with oneself.  One thing I have clearly understood.. One can not write what others want to read or expect to be appreciated all the time, it’s my space where I will write about things that matter to me.. Am I sounding rude here?? Let me rephrase it, if I try to write about something I really care about,  it will sound fake or unreal. Why waste space on writing  something I have no clue about..

Anyway,  life is okiesh.  There are times when I feel like breaking all the plates in my house to break the monotony and then Atharv gives me enough reasons to behave myself.. Living with a 4 yr old who can talk non stop is something everyone should try.. Its neither good or bad.. Its actually good,  but at times I worry about my mental health 🙂 Need to wind up now,  coz its morning and have chores to do.. Bye. See ya.

 

 

 

I don’t watch tele soaps.. i find them extremely boring and depressing.. foolish and irritating… its not that iI hate tv,  but I can’t stand all saans-bahu-sasuraal-maika-buaji-tauji-crorepatis turning into bhikari overnight etc etc.. kind of stuff.. besides,  I find their makeup costume and dialouges extremely artificial.. can’t stand heavily decked up-pancaked-faces with matching bindi – bangles -necklaces – jhumkas.. I just can not.  but I was hooked to mahi way.. completely hooked. first time on Indian television,  there was this girl who was Fat..and a dreamer – and shy and romantic.. I could relate completely to her because I have been so much like her.. and then dialouges were just the way we speak in our normal lives..the  best part is Mahi Way had a run of just 26 episodes.. thank god they didn’t stretch the story and turned into a 2600 episodes of rubbish.. there were no generation leaps and plastic surgeries (it happens only on Indian television – a plastic surgery can change EVERYTHING.. your height,  weight,  body,  voice… Every single thing!) Mahi  didnt have a plastic surgery and she didn’t loose weight to win over her hero..for me it was the best part.. I know I might be sounding like a maniac but I have watched whole season at least 50 times and know all dialouges byheart. I loved everything about series  costumes,  sets,  all other characters… Every single thing… when season one ended,  I was eagerly waiting for the 2nd season,  which never did happen.

seriously,  it’s been another case of quality vs quantity..  depressing,  idiotic,done to death programs run forever and series like Sarabhai vs sarabhai or Mahi Way,  end with only one season.. perhaps,  this is what is exactly wrong with our country.

I know I am deviating from the topic,  but who cares? off late I have very little or no patience for such things, chalta hain attitude and fed up being taken for a ride various ways…

coming back to the main topic,  did you ever watch anything on tv is there that made you think differently about yourself? if yes,  I would like to know about it..